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MOVIE REVIEW: KUNG-FU YOGA WILL KILL STEVEN SPIELBERG

“Some call it destiny. Some call it meant to be. I call it, I make it happen.”

Yeap, that is an actual line from Kung-Fu Yoga. What the actual flying fuck? IMDb states that the script is written by Stanley Tong. I find that hard to believe. I think Stanley Tong got his pet dog to pen it, while he was out shagging porn stars behind his now ex-girlfriend’s back. Oh, I just did a quick Google check and found out that this is the guy who made The Myth. That explains it. It’s not hard to believe. I’m just stupid.

In Kung-Fu Yoga we follow uncle Jackie, a couple of EXTREMELY hot Indian chicks, a kinda hot Chinese chick, a very hot Chinese dude, and another Chinese dude, who isn’t half as hot as the rest of them (including uncle Jackie). These are our heroes. They have no personality. I guess we have to root for them because they’re good looking. The villain is some muscular Indian dude. He also has no personality. He’s good looking too, though. So, who do I root for? I’m confused. Btw, I don’t know the names of these characters because they suck, and I don’t know their real names, because who cares?

YOGA!

There is treasure. The heroes and villains hunt for said treasure. And until they find the treasure, we have to sit through some of the most cringeworthy dialogues in recent memory. The only thing worse than the lines itself, are the delivery of those lines. Not sorta bad. Not very bad. But, the type of monstrosity that would cause you to take a big fat screwdriver and jam it through your ears. You’d be lucky if the screwdriver doesn’t just pierce your eardrums, but stabs your brain as well. Maybe without a brain, the line delivery would come of less awkward. At one point, one of the characters merely said, “okay,” and I went into a seizure.

YOGA!

If there is one thing in the movie that can match the shitty dialogues, are the shitty scenes in which the dialogues take place. In one scene Jackie Chan and the hot Chinese guy randomly start practicing Kung-Fu because there are a pack of wolves watching. I shit you not. The heroes are on ice. A pack of wolves show up. Jackie Chan then tells the hot dude, “hey, let’s practice Kung-Fu. That will scare the wolves off.” WHAT?! In another scene, a lion barfs. #COMEDY!

I’m tired of crappy movies and their crappier twists. One minute the hot chick is a hot PHD holder. The next minute, it’s revealed that she’s not a hot PHD holder, but was merely pretending to be a hot PHD holder when she’s actually a hot princess. Oooh mystery. One minute the hot guy is a crook, then he’s a good guy, then he’s a crook, then he needs a God damn slap.

YOGA!

If you’re wondering why I keep mentioning the word “yoga” for no fucking reason, ask Stanley Tong. He’s clearly under the impression that you can use that word over and over and over again, just because. Seriously, the hot Indian chick randomly mentions the word “yoga” at least nine million times in the movie. I get it, Kung-Fu Yoga is supposedly a movie that celebrates the similarities and differences between the Indian and Chinese culture. Some of it is interesting. Some of it is funny. But I swear, if any of these characters mentioned “yoga” again, I would have punched a toddler and gone to jail.

So, does Kung-Fu Yoga join the likes of Minions, Ouija, Battlefield Earth and White Chicks as some of the worst movies ever made? Fortunately, while I did wish myself deaf, I did not contemplate taking my life completely. There are some positives in Kung-Fu Yoga.

The Good Stuff:

  1. FIGHT SCENES. There are a few fight scenes in this movie. Every single one of them is awesome. Not just because of the cool moves – believe me, Jackie Chan hasn’t aged a day – but also because interactions between characters are limited during these scenes.
  2. THE CLIMAX. This is where things stop being “really awkward” and becomes “kinda awkward,” instead. It’s actually quite entertaining.
  3. DANCE SEQUENCE. Das right. Since this is a HK Cinema-Bollywood mix, of course there is a dance sequence right at the end. Jackie Chan dancing with hot chicks? Sold!
  4. HOT CHICKS. I kid you not, the chicks are HOT! If Stanley Tong had considered including at least one interracial lesbian make out scene, this movie would be a definite Oscar contender. You know what? Since it’s the 21st century, just throw in a full frontal male nude scene as well. Blu-Ray extended edition, maybe?

Stanley Tong clearly loves Indiana Jones. Heck, in one scene Jackie Chan outright says, “I love Indiana Jones.” Is Kung-Fu Yoga supposed to be a homage? Or is it a weapon? I don’t think it’s a good tribute to the legendary Indiana Jones franchise, but it sure as hell will kill Steven Spielberg.

DEDPEWL RATING:

only-watch-if-wifi-is-down

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May the force be with you!

 

On weekdays, I spend half of my time convincing anyone who would listen to watch Star Wars, and the other half trying to figure out why people consider White Chicks and Ouija to be good films. And, on weekends, I sit on my ass and watch Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy over and over and over and over again.

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